Empty

The last of the family has left and the house is back to the way it normally is, too large and empty. There is always that creepy post-holiday feeling I get once everyone leaves to go back where they came from and I am left behind. This comes with the territory of being the last to leave, I suppose. Being the last to leave town intensifies the empty feeling, which comes from all of the smiling Santas and snowmen and snowflakes splayed all over the inside of my mother's house. Christmas is over, and it's sad. I am by no means religious, and Christmas to me does not mean what, according to American society, it should. For me it means family, warmth, belonging, happiness, nostalgia, and an endless supply of food and booze. It just comes and goes too quickly, and once it's gone and I feel these empty feelings, but have the decorations that leave a stale taste in my mouth, I get depressed.

I am excited to go back to the City tomorrow, because at least there I feel like I belong there and that I wasn't left behind, regardless of how lonely it can be. Writing that down just now made me feel happy. I am moving forward in my life and becoming an adult, for the first time since I moved to the City two years ago it is starting to feel like home, and not just a temporary stop along the way.

Knowing me, though, who knows how long I will actually stay. That is something I need to work on... I need to find a place and just stay put for my sanity. Then again, comfort and stability have never suited me...

Here's to a new year. Cheers.