Just So We Are Clear

I would be fighting for you if I wasn't afraid of losing your friendship or respect.

Post-Secret

I'm desperately clinging to someone else because I can't be clinging to you.

Me Without You: A Love Letter.

I have always gotten what I wanted.  Even you, I finally got you after chasing after you for years. Losing you, though, is always painful. Especially when I lost you after our time together never went awry.

First and foremost, let me just say that I do just want you to be happy, and I want to stay in each other's lives, like you said. And I want to be happy, too, which I am. I just think it's unfortunate that we got so close to each other again and now you're sharing happiness with someone else.

 

I will say, however, I didn't see this coming; now not only do I not know what to do or how to behave, I am upset that I let this happen. Upset with myself, upset with you for consciously distancing yourself from me and not talking to me about it. I hate that we can't talk about it. I can't help but think that I could have somehow stopped it... But a lot of me is glad you're experiencing someone else. Maybe she won't be what you're looking for. There's only one way to find out, right?

So much of me wants to move on and start dating someone else, too, but that wouldn't be fair to whoever that person would be. To be quite frank it would just be a front, a small but ill-intentioned way to pass time. A distraction from the realization that the person I'm with isn't the one I want to be with. The person I want to be with is unavailable.  I've been doing that for years, and I'm trying not to do that anymore. I've hurt a lot of people that way.

So I won't do anything irrational or impulsive, I will just keep doing what I do, and wish you all the best, with great sincerity.

<3

loneliness

what would I do without you?

Holed Up.

I've spent this rainy day holed up in my bed, listening to album after album that I've recently got my digital hands on, Netflixing and looking at photos on Flickr. Basically just not leaving the house for fear of spending money and the fact that I just don't want to! I'm so comfortable and happy.

It's storming terribly outside and I think it's wonderful. I'm not quite sure what it is I love about thunder and lightning storms, how peaceful they make me feel. I think it might have something to do with how destructive they can be... tear it all down and rebuild. Cleanse.

That is all I want to do. I want to get out of this city that has not done much good for me at all. I haven't done much since I have been here but spend money, drink an ungodly amount of alcohol, become more and more reclusive, carry a chip on my shoulder because spending any amount of time in a public space in NYC (read: THE SUBWAY SYSTEM) will turn anyone into a defensive, cranky and semi-anxious asshole.

I know there are a million and one things to do in this city. I know there are plenty of wonderful people to meet (I have met a lot of them), many many many free things to see and do (I have done most of them), and endless opportunities for growth (I have grown up a lot, myself). I am just done here. I have not found what I am looking for in the almost three years I have been here, and I'm not doing anything but getting older and disappointed.

It's time to unplant my feet from the ground and move on. Travel. Get some *real* culture. Use my hands. Get dirty. Write a true story. Take photos to go with said true story. Cry. Get scared. Fall in love. Get creative. Feel helpless. Move around. Find peace.

So in the Spring of 2012 I will be taking a huge backpack full of the very bare necessities (most importantly a notebook and a camera and film) and going to Europe, with whomever wants to come. I am moving out of this city that I love and hate so much, and moving in with my mom for a year to save up for this trip. I am beyond excited, and terrified. But I need a challenge, life is dull here.

On another note, here are some of my latest photos. All July/August 2010 with 3200 speed B&W film in my Nikon FM10. Brooklyn/Long Island/North Country, NY.

Shouting Over the Manhattan Bridge at 1am

(Manhattan Bridge 4/23/10)

Last night after work I went and met Atiya at Madiba in Fort Greene where she works. It reminds me a lot of my restaurant, Miriam, being so neighborhood-y and all. A lot of locals. Anyway, we sit down at the bar and she introduces me to all of her coworkers and we sit, drink glass after glass of wine, and watch everyone scramble around us working hard. We order a bloody-ass rib-eye and continue drinking, chit-chatting, and delving into some serious [hilarious & mean] girl-talk. Then Frank texted her and asked if she wanted to go see Holy Fuck at the Cake Shop... I hadn't listened to them in years, and this was proving to be an excellent idea- drunk bike ride into the city as a little bike gang. Yes please.

I had never been to Cake Shop before, it was everything I thought it would be: overrated. I hate going into the City. It was way too overcrowded and hot, I was exhausted and drunk and Holy Fuck's droning was proving too much for me to handle and I started nodding off at the bar, so I took it upon myself to go outside and wait for Atiya and Frank so we could ride home. So many pieces of garbage walking down Ludlow. It's cold outside,you're wearing a tank top but calling it a dress, and my god what the fuck is on your feet? You look like a walking advertisement for self-hate and promiscuity. Go back to New Jersey or Long Island. Or Westchester. Bitch.


I hate everyone most of the time.


The bike ride home was so fucking fantastic, it made up for how shitty my experience in the Lower East Side was. We were shouting obscenities at people the entire time, especially "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY" to all the drunk idiots walking in the street. Such a good way to blow off steam. Once we were on top of the Manhattan bridge, Frank made us stop and shout the best we could over the water. It felt fantastic, extremely reminiscent of Garden State. The photo above is from him shouting at the top of the fence, he fell and landed on his ass after that, it was hilarious. As much as I thought bike riding alone was fun, bike riding in a gang is way better. I love those two.

Things I like, Things I want

My green machine; she rides like a dream. Kelly green.
My bike is so sexy. 

I got a nice wicker basket for the front and everything, I'm going to spray paint it white and put some speakers in there so I can ride and blast my tunes.

I never posted pictures of my new bedroom, my mother came down a month ago and helped me paint and put up shelves/mirrors and schlepped me back and forth from Lowes to Ikea back to Crown Heights multiple times in a weekend. I fucking love my room now.

Now I just need to get some frames and get some shit on my walls.

Next step: the living room. Completely empty and bare-boring-white-walled. I want to paint 75% of it this color:

and leave one of the walls white (maybe two of them).

And I TOTALLY want this couch:

and it folds out into a bed like so:

I want the dark beige color, though.

I bought a beaded speed jump rope, like the kind you'd get in elementary school with the candy stripes (love it). That with my hula hoop and I'm ready for a kindergarten summer.

I want to get white bike rims for my bike. Really bad.

Things I like right now:

-the fact that it takes ten minutes to get to work now.
-that I've realized how well I adapt to my constantly changing surroundings.
-that I hardly EVER go to Manhattan anymore, which consequently means I never buy a metrocard or get on any fucking trains. This makes me very happy.
-that Atiya got another serving job at Madiba in our old neighborhood so I can go visit more
-that I'm going to Missouri soon
-that I'm bringing friends home (road trip!) at the end of May for my graduation party (finally).
-Picking up books at stoop sales on the cheap, or for free (just recently picked up Poloaroids from the Dead. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polaroids_from_the_Dead)

-getting back in touch with old flames
-THIS WEATHER is perfect. Sunny, 70 degrees, a nice breeze... perfect bike riding weather, park weather... everything weather
-getting to do whatever I want at work
-obtaining a ton of new albums (new to me) this week (fang island, friendly fires, old avett brothers albums, fruit bats, the newest caribou album, delorean, local natives, monsters of folk)
-TWITTER. I am loving it now that I've finally figured out how to use it.
-The Riches on Netflix Instant Play
-Being the boss.

In a cabin in the mountains

(My rooftop, Brooklyn, NY 2010)                                    (Sackets Harbor, NY 2008)

I'm going to visit my best friend from high school who moved to Missouri in 2004. He is graduating and having his film premiere in May and I'm going out to see it. I miss him SO much. I was walking back from the laundromat this morning and thinking about the last time I saw him, which was in my old cabin in Old Forge when I was living there for the summer and life guarding in the Adirondacks. When I thought of him, I wrote this on a scrap piece of paper in my head and hoped to remember it:

The last time I saw him, I pretended to be asleep when he kissed me on the forehead and headed out the door to get back on the road. It was easier than saying goodbye.

 

 

 

The Fail-Proof Feel-Good Solution For a Girl?

To get babed up, with her other babe-y friends and go out. I'm going to see Fruit Bats tonight. Done.

My Long Term Goals.

1) Purchase an apartment or house in this City or possibly somewhere else, who knows
2) Learn Mandarin
3) Adopt a baby from China


My Short Term Goals:
1) Continue paying all my bills on time so I can keep my good credit, purchase said apartment, and be a model adopting applicant
2) Adapt better to my current living situation, new status at work, money/time management
3) Spend more time by myself, though I've been really good at that the past two weeks.


I am so fucking pissed right now.

Baby Steps.

(Sackets Harbor, NY 2008)

For the first time in my life, I'm okay with taking everything one day at a time. I have been able to chill out by myself, and lay out all my cards in front of me to figure out what I need to do. I've been able to be patient with the amount of time it is going to take to get where I need to be. I'm content in this empty apartment, and have finally let go of my ridiculous expectations and settled with the fact that I can't snap my fingers and have this place be furnished. Every week, I am setting money aside to purchase all these little thing this apartment needs. I have a very practical mission, and I really like (/need) that.

Every day, I find another reason why I like my current life: where I'm living, what I'm doing, and who I'm becoming. I love my neighborhood, even if it is a little ghetto. I keep bumping into people I haven't seen in awhile and realize they live very close to me. I can walk to work. There are a few really great bars within walking distance. A great beer distributor with a wonderful selection of locally crafted beers is just a few blocks away. My building is safe. My apartment is adorable. (sidenote: do I have rooftop access? I need to find this out asap.)

I can't WAIT for warm weather. I can't wait to take the bus to Coney with Atiya and brown bag it the whole way there, then find crazy things to take photos of, stumble around drunk, probably get some Nahtan's, and MAYBE go on a ride there, since I never have before.

I've started training to manage the restaurant I'm currently working at, as well as picking up all marketing/PR duties to try and get us more hip to the north slope crowd. I can already tell what I'm doing is working, and I like that feeling a lot.

I can't imagine not working in a restaurant. I practically grew up in one with my mom working in one my entire child hood, and Erica's mom, who was also my babysitter from time to time doing the same. I never realized how much hospitality lives in my bones, and that I own it. I love helping people out, and I fucking love food. Serving it, cooking it, learning about it, teaching other people about it... But I have so much left to learn.

I'm just taking baby steps to get there.

Crisis.

(Bed-Stuy 2008)

Today my best friend offered to fly me down to Florida and go to an international wine & food convention. I said no. Why? Because my life is a mess. I am sleeping on a (twin size) air mattress, eating food (oatmeal, ramen, rice) out of a coffee mug and trying to work as much as possible to afford all necessary living items. That's why. Oh, Brokelyn.

Tony and my 35mm (unedited)

My trusty little Nikon FM10, and a new love for fuji neopan 1600 film from my lovely little lady, Meagan Sample. I can't believe the contrast I love it, and I'm excited to enlarge them myself once I re-learn how to do this, and get more grain. I LOVE film grain.

Being Alone Rules.

I just moved into my new apartment in Prospect Heights, and my roommate works a 9-5 so I never see him. This rules. Also my bedroom is FREEZING.

The second palindrome of twelve in the 21st century

10/02/2001 was the first, and today, 01/02/2010 is the second. I love patterns and numbers! I hate math though, is that so strange? You can love a part of something even if you hate the whole, right?