it is weird here.

I have been plucked from the cramped and mechanical streets of Manhattan and transferred to the hibernating village of West Carthage nestled underneath a thick blanket of snow.

Just to give you a little visual, you can imagine the type of weather we are currently having:

I love home. I have missed it here so much, and I have needed to come back here for months, the City is driving me mental. I need privacy, which I certainly do not have because I live with my boyfriend and at least two other people at any given time, and the space we live in just cannot accommodate us. I miss the vapid space up here.  I miss the ability to isolate myself and to become a ghost on a whim, to create a mystery of myself, and to answer to just me. I just don't have the opportunity to do that right now.

Maybe the innate need for me to be by myself is causing such a ruckus in my current relationship; I have felt so averse to the idea of "us" for the past few weeks and have been battling with it and trying to pick it apart, to figure it out on my own. I don't know what to do. Wait, yes I do. I need to have my own space. I am going to move out when our lease is up and start nesting with myself, creating a shrine of my own personal life in my own personal room that I will share with no one.

I like the idea of having the option of being social or not being social. There was a time in my life where that option just wasn't there; I just didn't have many friends I could hang out with, plain and simple. My entire freshman year of college I spent in my bedroom (which I had to myself) listening and discovering new "indie" music, obsessing over people I disliked at my mostly-athletic college and patting myself on the back. Ignorant behavior, mostly. I miss it, though.

I picture myself moving home again so I can focus on myself and the many parts of me that have been lost to the City that is New York and the overwhelming amount of stimuli that force me to turn off. It makes me want to cry when I think about how far behind I am on the independent music scene and how many new albums have passed me by in the past three years. It also makes me want to cry knowing I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, especially since I just finished earning my Bachelor's degree and I feel a thousand times more lost than I felt at eighteen, when I was about to enter my first year of college.

I love the City for all its culture and unlimited things to do at any hour of the day; but I miss solitary car rides through the mountains and past the empty meadows and abandoned farms, where I would be blasting The Faint or The Arcade Fire or whatever it was I was listening to back in 2005.

I will say one thing though, I do not miss high school. That is a plus.